Sometimes I find myself scrabbling at my youth, longing for those moments when I was considered young, when I felt strong, filled with enthusiasm and yearning for things yet to come. I wish I hadn't thought those years would last forever. Then, with my next breath, I find myself settling into this more advanced place, these years between middle age and death, and try to be grateful for this space. There are more frequent moments when I am comfortable in my skin, in this space, where my world seems peaceful, content, enough. Times when I am not driven to prove myself to others or to myself.
It's interesting to be in this place of intermittent unsettledness, being in a body that betrays me more and more often. I’ve read about it, this angst about life changes, but experiencing this phase puts it on a different plane. Society sometimes labels it a crisis, but I believe it is a rediscovery of self, learning how to let go of what once was, and embrace what is now.
I've now reached the age that when I look at photographs and see my youthful self, I admire the image more than I ever did when I lived behind that face, in that body. Those images are no longer reflected in the mirror. There are lines now, age spots, silver hair crowning my head. Sometimes I still wonder how that person invaded me.
The songs from my youth are oldies. TV shows I remember well run ad nauseam in syndication. Heartthrob stars pass into aged images, relegated to the roles of grandparents, crotchety oldsters, or clueless folks dependent on the young.
But, it’s all okay, honestly. Because I have come to realize there is knowledge, wisdom, and confidence that only come with the passing of years and the experiences those years bring. Some friends declared I was wise when I gave some asked-for advice the other day. It only sounded wise because I had lived through a similar situation. There is wisdom in empathy.
Even with that level of understanding, I still sometimes find myself feeling I'm in a foreign land, this place where I have much to discover, trapped in body that can’t keep pace with my mind or desires.
My sons are all older, past the ages when I had them. They are grown with their own lives, careers, and loves. None with plans to make me a grandmother. I no longer spend my days with kids in the classroom. So, I grapple with the fact that children are no longer a part of my life and turn to other things. Praising God every day for my many blessings. Sitting quietly with the man I’ve loved for five decades, or bickering through different perspectives with him, grateful for the good bones upon which we have built our life together. Loving the dogs who have become my kids, recognizing I need them as much as they need me. Writing every day, trying to hone the skill of saying what I think and imagine so others understand it, too.
This is the space of advancing years that many will face, yet rarely talk about. No one wants to declare, "I have reached the phase of life where I am living through a mixture of confusion, relief, letting go, getting older. I am not who I once was, nor am I who I will be as more years pile on.”
Time keeps ticking, the world keeps turning, and we must figure out new rhythms. Every single person, if they are blessed with growing old, will walk this journey of the fringe years. Some days will be messy. Some days will find us clinging to our youth in preposterous ways. Some days will find us more content than ever before. They are all steps forward. Steps we take to discover our hearts and our new selves. It's a place where we can look backward and remember, but we can also look forward and plan. It’s not a bad perspective.
This dichotomy, this space of remembering and hoping, is what allows the discomfort that spurs our continued growth. We are keenly aware of the passage of time. We recognize that the time in front of us is limited, so it feels more precious. We know we must do what we feel compelled to do sooner rather than later.
These are my thoughts on this fine day. Maybe you needed to hear my musings. Maybe you, too, are in that sticky fringe phase. Maybe you are beyond it. Maybe you are still young. No matter what stage of life you are in, there is one priceless gift we all share. Time.
Give thanks for the gift of time. Use your gift well. Be gentle. Be kind. Help others. Face the fact that life may never be perfect, nor as one planned, but it is a gift and every moment serves a purpose. Our time is most treasured gift we can give another. Show grace, knowing most people are doing their best in the phase of life where they find themselves. Those things will make your time well spent, your life well lived. They will be the foundation of your legacy.
